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A Wizard for a Dowery Prologue

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A Wizard for a Dowery: Prologue

     It is evident in the indelible histories of man that human beings are principally creatures of dynamism and invention, creatures of transience and adaptability.  To say it in another way the only thing for sure is that nothing is for sure.

     It was one thousand years ago, in the time of the Ascension, that he who history would come to know as the One Mighty And Strong split open the skies and ascended to heaven. Where, it is said, he reordered the stars and changed the fundamental nature of the Universe. Thus began the era of miracles which even a millennium later still defines our world.   

    An era which brought forth the Elementals kings, the beastkin, and the legendary giants of Syrephon Deep. However as if in response to nature's reassertion of its ancient divine powers mankind rose above the world and gravitated into space. A gap grew between common folk who were bound to the land and their seemingly super human masters with their impossibly complex machinery. Despite the changes in the world mankind's dominion over the earth remained intact. 

     Then somewhere in the great barren wastes, long blighted by the radiation from the magnificent machines of men, rose another race. Gray skin and white hair, white pupils inside of all black eyes, often deformed or missing skin, and yet somehow possessing the ability to survive in the poison lands that humanity had long abandoned.   

    For hundreds of years these creatures were treated as the shame of the human world. The untouchable caste whose very existence was something to be disgusted at. However there were others that took pity on these wretches and sought to civilize them. The history of man is filled with the same noble intentions as the road to hell is paved with.    

    Centuries past and what began as a few sparse tribes had spread throughout the world, their numbers eventually surpassing the human population. Conflicts arose quickly between the humans and their would be successors. The common men, who had been left on the earth by their intellectual and economic betters, had no desire to share what little was left with their expanding neighbors. Tensions mounted and the threat of violence seemed ever present. 

    The Nephites, as the would come to be known, had their own tensions. Leadership amongst the major tribes was sparse and conflicting. With two sides beginning to form. The Apologists, who would later be described as the holy high traitors, who believed that a lasting peace and possible unity could be found with the Humans. The other side was represented largely by the religious class and its most passionate of followers. They believed that their God had chosen them to reign over the earth and the humans were the unclean who had rejected God's will in favor of new technology. For a time both sides butted heads until fate chose to intercede.

    As so often is the case with important instances in history the impetus for the war came completely by accident. A group of human soldiers got lost and ended up coming upon the Holy Salt Sea. Not recognizing it they followed the sea's coast until they happened upon a building, the holy sanctuary where the great prophet of the Nephite faith held residence. Reluctant to admit their mistake, and being certain they were in grave danger the lost military unit claimed the Sanctuary under right of conquest and sent out for back up. Back up never came as the local militia arrived to lift the siege.

    Under normal circumstances the soldiers would have simply been arrested, and held as prisoners. But history as a funny way of taking unique moments and pairing with them with singularly important figures. Who we only know to be singularly important after the fact. The head of the local militia was Nephite named Thaulston Royce. Little is known of Royce's life before this instant, but two things are clear. He had vicious disdain for the current state of affairs between his people and the human race, and he was able to engender a loyalty in his followers that even the greatest of gods would envy.  

    Royce was ordered by the human military command and the local apologist leaders to return the humans to their commanders. He did so, only he kept their skin. In the first Nephi's own words, they flesh has denigrated our holy lands and only their flesh can cleanse it. In retaliation the human on mass invaded the Holy Salt Sea, and demanded the surrender of Thaulston Royce has a war criminal. In response the Prophet of the Nephite faith declared that he received a vision that the humans were in fact the Lamanites of legend and that all men of true faith must do all that they can to oppose them.

    According to the Nephites' religion Lamanites were a wicked tribe that had sought to destroy all the true believers and were reputed to be cursed by God. This would lead to a fundamental change in the view of the Nephites and would come to define the nature of all future relations between the two. Humans were no longer simply enemies, they were the very embodiment of evil. The war was no longer simply a battle to reclaim the holy land but a Righteous Rebellion against the forces of evil that had captured the world.      

    Mankind had the superior technology, their planes, tanks, and gun ships should have easily swept over the Nephite horde. But as history as often shown, their is nothing quite like the blind fury of a people united in a singular effort. Humanity had all the advantages ,yet still were defeated.    

    The fall of man came when the last of the human strongholds was annihilated by the Nephite bombers. The humans who remained after the war were stripped of even the most basic of rights and given two choices. live as a thrall of the Nephites or live as a transient but under no circumstances would man ever be allowed to reign over the Earth again.

     Some chose to accept the Nephites offer, living in bondage but in safety. Others chose to risk the desert, choosing freedom and likely death. Still some others went to lands of the east and high north. To offer themselves as vassals to the Elemental Kings. Who had long ago begun to accept humans as servants.   

    Twenty years after the fall of man the new Nephitian Empire would meet its first test. As the humans who had abandoned the Earth and it's people returned. They came down in great vessels of untold power. Their technology was so beyond anything the remaining humans and Nephites had ever imagined that most believed it to be some form magic. Thus this became known as the war of Sky Devils.

     Once more superior human technology should have easily wiped aside the Nephites' resistance and it very well may have. However history is filled with instances when all logically paths are defied and what no one would expect comes to pass. The unifier of Nations, the first Nephi, and the father of Empire, Thaulston Royce did something very strange indeed. He went to the Fire King of Mount Pyre, The Glacier King Of the great Crystal expanse, the Wind Kings of the Great High Mountain, it is even said, though officially denied, that he made appeals to the wizards of the legendary cities. He formed a coalition the likes of which the world had never seen. Strangest of all perhaps, the humans who had been born under the thumb of Nephite rule chose to fight against their Father's masters, accepting the devil they knew or the devils they didn't.  

    Together with this improbable coalition Royce was able to push back against the Sky Devils. Then came the day that would become mythic in it's retelling. Royce led a ragtag force that numbered less than one hundred thousand, against a horde of human warships that were said to be so numerous they created a ceiling over the sky. All hope for the Nephites were lost and utter defeat was more than certain. Then in the light of the morning, not even two hundred miles from the Holy Salt Sea that had begun the great rebellion, the sky cleared and the sky devils fell.

     No one knows for certain why the ships that seemed so immutable just fell from the sky. Some believed that it was the holy spirit acting in defense of the righteous Royce and his glorious army. Some even claim to have seen angels clipping the wings of the sky devils. Others theorized that the humans were betrayed by their own machines, so began the legend of the Machine Men who were now purported to rule their own empire, on the surface of the moon.   

    That is the story of man and the Nephites who usurped him, but as is often the case, one story is not the whole story. When humanities elite abandoned the world to ruin the wizards of the legendary cities had already begun their work. As the centuries passed their legend among the common men and the Nephites grew. Their powers were both feared and envied and even other supernatural beings looked upon them with suspicion and awe.

     Only one book of the many esoteric and arcane tomes of the legendary cities was ever circulated amongst the normal peoples. This book was written Harashima Kazunata, otherwise known as Harashima the Faint. Largely technical and indecipherable to those unfamiliar with jargon and self-speak of the wizards, there was one section that had come to define how people understood this new mage class.  

    “...It is said that Nature is inherently magical, that OMAS merely unleashed it's true potential. This, as far as it can be determined, is true, but insufficient to understanding the nature of our magic. For we see in the Kingdoms of Fire and Water, in the wild woods where Earth lords dwell, and even on the high altitudes of Wind kings, that nature's magic is but an extrapolation of itself. These creatures are, though sentient, merely acting out their own roles in the cosmic scheme. They are but players in a greater game.

    So what then is a wizard? A wizard is one that rejects that game. That rejects nature itself. A wizard is one who chooses the path they walk and defies all other paths to try and hold them. If it is true that animals are creatures of instinct, that Elementals are creatures of nature, that Man and Nephite are creatures of reason, then it must be said that Wizards are, quite singularly, creatures of will. What is Wizard's magic then? It is the power to rebuke nature, to rebuke the gods and their creation, it is the power of individuals to master themselves and the world around them, and as OMAS showed in His own life, it is the power to rise above this world and go beyond. Wizard's Magic is but the will to become...” -Harashima the faint, excerpt page 462, from Of Wizards and Our Ways

Hey who has two thumbs and was two dumb to write this before getting six chapters in, THIS GUY.

Prologue of an Ongoing Series
edited with the assistance of :iconthejdwiley: special thanks

Chapter 1- The Wraithsbane
Chapter 2- The Princess' Price
chapter 3- Blood In the Snow
Chapter 4-What can Never Die
Chapter 5-The King of the Night
Chapter 6-The Wolf With Three Heads
Chapter 7- The Coming of Night
Chapter 8- The Day's Dread
Chapter 9-Blood in the Sand
Chapter 10- Bleeding into the night
Chapter 11-The Battle's Aftermath
Chapter 12-They call him Godsfire
Comments7
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TheJDWiley's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I will start by going over the things that I found that can be corrected or modified, (which were MINOR) and then I'll get into my thoughts on the piece.

*MINOR ERRORS to fix:

"Despite the changes the world mankind's dominion..."
Should read: "Despite the change IN the world..."

"The Nephites, as the would come..."
Should read: "The Nephites, as THEY would come..."

"would later be described holy high traitors..."
Should read: "would later be described AS holy high traitors..."

"got lost and ended up coming up the Holy Salt Sea"
Should read: "got lost and ended up coming UPON the Holy Salt Sea"

"disdain for the current state affairs between his people..."
Should read: "disdain for the current state OF affairs between his people..."

"According to the Nephites religion Lamanites were..."
Should read: "According to the Nephite religion, Lamanites were..."
OR Should read: "According to the Nephites' religion, Lamanites were..."

"forces of evil that had capture the world."
Should read: "forces of evil that had CAPTURED the world."

"But as history as often shown, their is nothing quite..."
Should read: "But as history HAS often shown, THERE is nothing quite..."

"filled with instances when all logically paths are defied..."
Should read: "filled with instances when all LOGICAL paths are defied..."

"the devil they knew or the devils they didn't."
Should be: "the devil they knew OVER the devils they didn't."

"the day that would be both mythic in it's retelling..."
Should be: "the day that would be (remove "both") mythic in ITS retelling..."

"Royce lead a ragtag..."
Should be: "Royce LED a ragtag..."

"Machine men"
Should read: "Machine Men"

"usurped him but as is often the case one story..."
Should read: "usurped him, but as is often the case, one story..."

"When humanities elite..."
Should read: "When humanity's elite..."

"esoteric and arcane tombs of the legendary..."
Should read: "esoteric and arcane TOMES of the legendary.."

"Harashima the faint."
Should read: "Harashima the Faint."

"jargon and self speak of the wizards there was one..."
Should read: "jargon and self-speak of the wizards, there was one..."

"Nature is inherently magically,"
Should read: "Nature is inherently MAGICAL,"

"in the wild woods were Earth lords dwell,"
Should read: "in the wild woods WHERE Earth Lords dwell,"

"rebuke the Gods and their creation..."
Should read: "rebuke the gods and their creation..."

"power of an individual to master themselves and..."
Should read: "power of an individual to master HIMSELF and..."


*STYLISTIC CHANGE SUGGESTIONS for brevity/concreteness:

"One Mighty And Strong split up open the skies..."
Could read: "One Mighty And Strong split open the skies..."
-The word "up" is not needed as the the phrasing "split open the skies" implies and upward vertical split.

"The history of man is filled with such noble intentions..."
Could read: "The history of man is filled with the same noble intentions..."
-I understand the choice of the word "such", but it creates a feeling of comparison (which is not your intended meaning) that caused me to have to read the sentence twice before understanding your precise meaning. For the sake of flow it could be changed to a word with only one meaning, as "such" has more than one.

"As so often is the case with really important instances..."
Could read: "As so often is the case with important instances..."
-The word "really" actually weakens this sentence in my opinion. It is a vague word. The barrier between important and really important is subjective. Important is a strong enough word. I typically subscribed to the Mark Twain idea that word like "really", "very", etc. can be completely removed and the piece is made better for it.

"happened upon a building, this has to be the holy sanctuary where..."
Could read: "happened upon a building, the holy sanctuary where..."
-This just flows better, and shortens the sentence, thus creating a faster transition.

"Not wanting to admit their mistake..."
Could read: "Hesitant to admit their mistake..."
-The previous sentence starts with the word "Not" as well. It disrupts the flow slightly.

"all of the advantages but still were defeated."
Could read: "all of the advantages, yet still were defeated."
-This is just personal preference to keep with your style.

"rights and given two choices, live as a thrall..."
Could read: "rights and given two choices. Live as a thrall..."
-This is one of your longest sentences. Sentences over 25 words lose clarity very quickly. Chopping it in half makes it much more fluid.


*VISION:
This piece definitely has a strong sense of direction and organization. I can clearly see the intent. The scope is grand, and the history is thorough. I was very pleased with this entire concept. The inclusion of specific races, sects, and names adds value and depth to the work. Well done.


*ORIGINALITY:
I enjoyed your combination of technology and fantasy. The concept comes together well to create a unique feel. It comes off as wholly its own. It takes some familiar elements--magic and technology--and creates its own direction and relationships. In particular I enjoyed the zombie-like creatures that resulted from the nuclear fallout. The history had fun twists and turns. It was refreshing to read something unpredictable.


*TECHNIQUE:
Although there were several minor errors, I found the archaic word choice and sentence structure to fit well with the subject matter. The writing flowed nicely and had a consistent voice. It was well organized and was easy to follow. The vocabulary was strong and interesting.


*IMPACT:
Prologue's are generally a big no-no when it comes to opening stories. Unless of course you are a well-established author. They usually slow the story down before it can even begin. This, however, did not do that. It pulled me through nicely, and if anything, created more interest for the subject matter. It is a delicate balancing act, but I feel you pulled it off. Ending with the entry from Harashima the Faint was a good way to really pull me back into the story. It brings it back down to a personal level right at the end.

*OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I had fun reading this piece. It seems like a good setup for things to come. It had me engaged, and has created interest in reading more. Your artist vision was easily the strong point! The ideas were fantastic. Thanks for doing such a great job! I will definitely have to read more of your stuff! If it seems like I rated anything lower than my critique accounted for, that is me simply leaving room for future critiques on your work as your style grows.